I just need to say thanks to many people... also thanks to those offering "the next big thing".. but I have to draw the line.. I have no more to give. I am sorry.

I have come to terms that I have made wealthy people more wealthy... it is just a shame they don't share it.

Dribble again

Many things have been happening in my life.. the sudden stop of PAC was and still is just so sad. like the last straw that broke the camels back. But to get things in perspective I have many real life issues going on, and they still are. Twisting turning and quite complicated.

I am a person who has been living on "hope" for many years now. I started a way of thinking this year that if I take one step at a time I can move forward. That isn't quite the case as there are many other things in play. But on all counts only time will tell. It is not the destination, it is trip there, how we get there, the journey that really counts.

You know the old saying? When the chips are down you find out who your real friends are? Well it is right. I can't believe the abuse and demands sent my way earlier this week. Some was from some members whom I thought were much more than that.. I give my word that I will honor my promises to my best ability, that is the absolute best I can do. (I know they won't read this, but the written word will forever float in cyberspace.. and my mind.)

I admit, I am a dreamer.. there really is no life without dreams. My dreams are big, possibly unobtainable, but at least I have them and strive towards that goal. I was considering changing my goals, but if I keep aiming high I might get at least someway toward realizing them.

I need to regather my online and offline goals, being only human not some superhero I just can't rush these things.. I am pretty picky these days, but seems I still can't quite get it right. I have a long history of being extremely patience.. it IS something that is required in life..

New motto: well aim.. "start everyday a fresh" :)

Just.............. well

Just recharging my ipod for tomorrow, so I thought I would hide some more thoughts. Talking to myself relieves frustration. I am a bit worried about tomorrow, what if it dosen't work? Will it make me sick, maybe I should just forget about it all together? It is my last chance to build up my iron levels. Doctors have told me that they won't do it again as this is the second attempt. It dosen't hurt, just hours and hours of being in hospital attached to a IV and the constant beeping annoys me. This time I will turn the volume up on my ipod and put it on random, it can play until the battery runs out. Hopefully by then it will be over. Last time I slept most of the day and was still exhausted.. please work this time.

I don't even understand how it works, but I had a blood transfusion last week and early this week after tests find out that was a waste of time too.. so what do I have to do.. eat nails?? I have never ever tried to understand how the human body works. But I certainly do know now that when it dosen't work properly it is not fun. My mind is OK - well that's my opinion anyway - others may not argee lol One of my fears in life is to end up ga-ga and having to rely on others. I just realized that I do rely on others now.. ): ......... I find it demoralizing to say the least. Even though those caring for me say I am not a problem, I know I am. It pains me to realize that. I should have been dead years ago, but now I feel that I am either being punished, or there are things I need to finish first. I really don't know. that is the hard part. One moment I feel like giving up, next I am off on a tangent organizing something for somebody.

Trying to get everything in perspective. I have promised so much. I will deliver - I always have, maybe it won't be me personally, but at least I have set the wheels in motion. I just hope I haven't put too much on Cath. I can see she is under great stress with me and Trev at the moment. I really wish for her life to be better. I have just then realized that I draw my inspiration from her. She always sees the positive in things - well she does have down times, but a new day comes and she dosen't look back, she just steps up to the next challenge....... or does she? mmm

Just me!! Dribbling again

I haven't been around online as much lately. I do apologise to those who have regular contact with me. Firstly, the first time in many years I had a memorable day on Christmas Day. Being part of a real life family for the day.. I spent the day at Trev's family home, with him and his family. It was so great to see them all together for the day. I couldn't have wished for more. We laughed, joked ate and were merry. lol Yes I em had one drink, something I hadn't done for a long time..My excuse.. mmm it was a very hot day!! It is our high summer here in Aus. But I paid the price for it later though.. ever tried upgrading and surfing and then trying to chat.. I have enough trouble getting all the keys in the right order being sober!! I have to add that the extra goodies on the dinner table were thanks to my favorite surf site.. PAC. I certainly didn't expect a gift, but the boys had got together and gave me a present. I was a bit embarrest that I couldn't give them anything, but they were so excited to give something to me.. a small package, I thought maybe a new mouse.. but they were too excited for it to be a mouse.. It was an ipod. Well before I even think, they got my laptop and was setting things up for me.. it all happened so fast and I have never seen them get on so well together and be so excited, I was watching them and not what they were showing me.. they had plenty of songs to load on.. if has 80gb drive.. I treasure it, and will keep it with me always. I really don't think they have a clue how much it really means to me. Trev is the one who opened the door to sound for me.. I had been missing out for so long.. not anymore.. also thanks to being in that chat room when he was there. I really do have some much to be gratefull for with technology. I really love music, not just the old stuff.. actually too many memories.. especially of what might have been. But the newer music is good.. others having shown me the way to hear what they like, I listen and enjoy. A good voice, tune and the words.. I listen very closely as I find the feeling in songs.. songwriters of today express their feelings and views.. I am impressed. I spend hours daily plugged in.. sleeping has improved, probably switching my mind off.. I guess that not physically communicating with people your mind speaks faster.. mmm just a personal analogy.

As I said earlier, I hadn't been online much, well it isn't because I didn't want to be, but the old body has taken a bit of a beating this year.. yes already... I am rather annoyed with myself, I came to Cath's place for Christmas and was planned that I stay probably for a week. But I am still here. A few small events have prevented me from going home. I had a bit of a slip on some wet tiles in the bathroom. Seem I did a bit of muscle damage, but no broken bones. Got some doosie bruises though lol A day or two went by, well it was obioous something wasn't right. I have a build up of fluid around my hip joint, this restricts me from walking unaided. I have been on some much pain killers that I didn't know whether I was coming or going. For the first week I was having injections twice daily.. cortezone. Not sure I spelt that right.. ah well.

To be honest, I felt my world was falling apart, unable to sit for very long, even laying down was unbearable.. I really wished I just went to sleep and never woke up. But I did.. I started to think what have I done in life to deserve this... just fate I guess. I was thinking only about myself.. I distanced myself from friends and even Cath. Never intended to be a burden to anyone in my life. The no strings guy.. I am superman, I can defeat the odds.... when the going got tough.. I fell to bits.. a fine example..Then disaster struck.. young Trev lost all hope in life, depression sunk to an all time low.. Life in his eyes was too tough to handle.. Cath spent an afternoon up on a hill somewhere where he was obsessed on killing himself.. sick of living.. sick of everything.. no point even bothering, no more medications, no more testing, no more seeing doctors.. hates going to Brisbane..his car needs fixing, has no money.. no job, why live.. all words his mum told me later.. it was the worst she had ever seen him. Took her hours to calm him down, eventually he went back to his unit. She then spend the next hour or so with his disability employment people.. looking for help.. she had long ago ran out of ideas.. unbeknown to her he came out to the house here, and started doing damage on the property with his car.. fencing, trailers and trees ran over.. eventually his brother got his keys off him while he was out of the car... I just can't imagine him so enraged, but Cath had been advised to call the police and they would take to the hospital and send him through to be mentally assessed.. this way they can make him take his medication and get him to a point where things aren't that bad.. but by the time she got to the hospital to see him and to give medical papers up to date of his condition.. he had already been released from hospital.. less than two hours.. so he walked away.. she spent the night driving around looking for him.. on returning she noticed his car was gone.. he must have got a lift out here and took off.. He dissappeared for 5 days, Cath was devasted.. here I am the bloke that she leans on.. and I am useless.. I already felt like throwing in the towel myself.. how could I do that to her, she needed someone now more than ever.. The medications and goings on.. no excuse.. I lost the plot. She would come in late at night as she has been working long hours just to keep her mind off things I think, but I don't know for sure. Well between the two of us.. she would sit on the edge of the bed thinking I was asleep I think, and just cry.. you can only imagine how I felt.. If I had only been a stronger person, could I have done more... I will never know.. all I could do is be there.

Trev turned up at his unit and his girlfriend found him in bed when she got home from work.. she let him sleep and Trevs father went over and checked him over and he looked ok so he left him sleeping. They decided not to pressure him.. the lines of communication are open to Cath and he will contact her when he is ready.. if he wants. Being 18 nobody can force him to take medications. Like his mum I hope that he will see reason to get his health management back on track, before it is too late.

I lost a few days somewhere.. well I don't clearly remember them..

So here I am walling in selfpity - feeling helpless and being a burden on Cath instead of a pillar of strength.. wishing for a miricle, that isn't going to happen.
A week of physio therapy and rehibilitation.. Not impressed.. you actually pay people to hurt you.. then the pain gets worse afterwards. She was a big lady so I didn't argue. I never believed this could happen to me. I have never been a believer of medicines, well ones that aren't any good for you. I really can't see the point of taking painkillers that cloud your mind and make you sleep. If you are sleeping you are not feeling the pain, but when you are awake you are not functioning properly. What a waste of time.. In this condition I will never be allowed to go home. That is what I want. Life is not supposed to be like this. Not in my plan. I always envisioned living out my life at my shed, not being a burden to anyone. Most of my life I have lived alone.. and that is what I am used to.

I have taken myself off all pain medication, I still take my heart rhythum medications. It has been two days now and at least I can think more clearly, but I am taking notes on to-do things, it helps. Yesterday there was no one here for an hour, so I took the opportunity to see how well I could do. Slow going, but I managed to get out of the chair, down the hallway to the bathroom.. by myself. I have done it a couple of times since, and when I get really tired I can get onto my bed unaided.. so I am getting there. I won't kid myself and say it is easy, it's not. The pain is always there but comes in waves. Really weird - like a burning feeling moving over your body stopping you from breathing. I try to just take big breaths, so far they have managed to pass. I am not telling all to Cath, she dosn't need to know, as she has enough on her plate and she would only worry. My aim is to be able to prove to her that i can manage on my own, so I can go back home. My shed is much smaller than this house, so I wouldn't hve to walk as far. I realize I have a long way to go, but I am not giving up.

I have taken steps to have all of my offline things tidied up. Not exactly how I wanted it, but I have been advised there would be too many legal battles, and I don't wish to burden anyone with that. What is now done.. is done.

Online.. well I am documenting, well stated a long time back but need to update and get my benefactor more involved. We have been spending some time together working through things, but the last few weeks it has been difficult for me to keep focused. I task set each day, but something always pops up. lol Some new projects to be looked at as well. Longtermers - well that is the plan.. You always have to have a plan !!

Just adding a note: Donations.. If I could run out and yell to the world I would.. THANK YOU !!!!
Even though Trev didn't actually make it personally as planned.. It was still made. he was excited about how things were going at Christmas time and I am sure deep down he is. He spoke of the things it could be used for, yearly subscription to xbox, an internet connection and games, fridges as well with $4000 in two months.. wow that is a lot of money..incredible. (Makes me think of those people who always have heaps of referrals and some of them would possibly be big spenders - the mind boggles... I just hope in my heart that they some of their gains with others of an organization the their communities)

Not going to re read this for mistakes.. took me about 8 sessions to type this.. I need a sleep followed by coffee :)

SEASON'S GREETINGS

I hope everyone had a great Christmas, enjoying it with family and friends. Mine was memorable. Giving and receiving, but remember the best gift is life itself. What you do with it is what counts.

By now everyone will be in the New Year.. wow 2009.. I can't believe it!! My motto this year is "May you have the time of your life in 2009" A whole new year untouched. Just take each day as it comes and enjoy it, put a smile on a face. There really isn't much to it, try it!! Works for me :) Gives me the drive to keep going... one step at a time leads to one day at a time.

To all my friends, associates and new to-be friends - I appreciate all of you more than you can ever imagine. "Without honesty, there is no future" these words are more powerful than realized by the lady who has them on her site..

Just more dribble

I feel compelled to write my thoughts and feelings. Nobody reads my dribble, so at least I will feel better having said it, to myself anyway. Maybe one day people will get a better idea of what I am trying to achieve, sometimes I am not sure. I am always honest and caring of others. I love to help people, as I was in a position where I wished I could talk to someone and get an honest opinion.

I am not one of those bloggers who do this for the collection of referrals, and as I have stated many times.. I join and are active in programs that I believe I can make money in and I like to share the experience. I do graciously accept referrals though, but it is not for personal gain, as I donate the RC’s to Ronald McDonald House. Any private donations I receive, same thing straight in the tin for RMH. I am honored to be trusted to make the donation. The reason I advertise the programs I am enjoying is sharing an opportunity. I do not join just any program and I will not be paid to promote any program - that is totally unacceptable in my book. I post on forums my experiences and generally share in the fun part of money making. Also, for the record I am not “filthy rich” as some have implied. If only you really knew the simple life I live. But I feel rich in other ways. Helping fellow members who need a hand.- Yes, guilty as charged. Giving them a hand is very different from a handout. It seems that is one of my weaknesses, but I do this of my own freewill, not because I am pressured to do this. I feel complelled to help people. Is that such a wrong thing?

Now… to be honest with myself, I am not as “fighting fit” as I seem. This year I have had two hospital stays and numerous visits to the doctor. Nothing drastic, I am just getting old. Yes I know I can’t live forever and this is why I have set a few things in place for the time when that happens. I don’t want all my work to stop. Trevs Mum, has full control over all PP’s and is very much in the picture with what I do. She does most of the paperwork and getting the donations ready. She was involved heavily in autosurfing long before me, she introduced me to it years back and started me off. But since Trev got to the point with so many miss diagnosis due to the rareness of his disease and his long hospitalized battle for life, she never went back. She is the picture behind me, often we discuss programs and strategies. I have permission of full use of all PP’s, we trust each other fully. Actually without her I wouldn’t be here. I am hoping to reintroduce her to this world, but currently she will the odd upgrade and surf for me as needed. I just want her to know how much I appreciate what she does for me. (Maybe Cath, one day you might read this..I am forever grateful to you and your family for letting me be a part of it. I also thank you for checking on me so I can continue to live out here in my piece of solitude. Thank you.). Every Christmas that comes I think will be may last.. Here comes another one .. wow 2009 coming soon too. Never in a million years I ever thought I would see it. The only thing keeping me going is my desire to help others. I was driven by a heart-wrenching experience to do something useful in my life. I really was dead wood. That was July 2006, I will never forget the experience. ( I tell a bit about it here in a previous diary entry read the “bit about me”) I have a huge wish to fulfill before I leave this earth, well quite a few, but one in particular, and that is to clear the medical bill. Early this year I managed to get it down for $50,000 to $30,000. But, not much since. It is achievable, but I have to be patient, and I am pretty good at that. In the meantime donating to RMH is giving Trev some satisfaction. He was ecstatic and like myself overwhelmed of the generosity of people. Strangers. Plus RCs are at an all time high with three programs I am in. Of course there hasn’t, been any benefits reaching home yet, as I am rebuilding. But, it is getting close now. A close friend told me, maybe a Christmas in July.

While I get the chance I just want to thank all my friends for watching out foe me over the years. I fully respect and admire you. I met some of the most wonderful people out here. Without technology our paths would never have crossed, and I would have left this earth probably deeply sadened. But I have a totally different vision of things.. all the nationalities and customs. I am so gratefull to have met you all.

I felt I needed to write this for my own gratification. Knowing I said what I feel needs to be said. This entry will hide down in the archives and float around cyberspace.

Without honesty there is no future!

Without honesty there is no future!

Busy weekend

I have been busy doing major renovations here to my shed. Hopefully it is more pleasurable to read now. I have done all the work myself so I am actually proud of it. But I have been conversing with a few people today, their concepts of this industry really needs to be addressed.

To new and potential participants of this HYIP and Autosurf world there are a few survival rules. One being, you must realize there is a risk with these "ad pack purchases" and "investments".. the ROI is high, therefore the risk is accelerated. The other rule is "anomonyity" I see the constant posting of interviews with admins.. yes anyone can fill out the question sheet emailed to them with the information that they know members want to hear. We really have no idea who they are, and even if we did, would that really make any difference? I think not. We really have to judge each program on face value as it comes along. Some do really well, others not so good. But some are quite obviously quickly put together and used as a money grab. Others are well orchestrated.. but there are also the well thought out sites, with a business plan on how things will work, or should work.. but they too depend on member support even thought they may have external funds working. Without member support no programe would survive.. why bother.. so what I am saying is to those new members.. look around and learn, if you are worried sick about your spend in a program, this may not be the world for you.. Golden Rule: Never, never ever spend more that you can afford to loose.

With that off my chest.. I really have not much to report.

I will note: I did some very interesting reading over at ASA today.

The Next Generation.. Please Read.. so true, so true

A self-important University student attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy,ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows: 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them.’

Now, you arrogant little gnit, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......

MIA LOL now I have heard it all....

Been awhile since I have written here, not because I didn’t want to, but firstly I have been busy helping a young bloke, finding worthless things in my shed to sell to make some money, to get a kick off. But that is all sorted now, so my time is being back to being mostly my own. But I have not been well again. Darn cold weather seems to have kicked of a chest infection and I have gone from not being able to sleep to mostly sleeping all the time. People tell me sleeping is good for you, means your body is recouperating.. LOL well I should be as fit as a mallee bull by now. But I think maybe the course of antibotics has played a part, as much as I hate taking tablets.

What is happening in the surfing world.. well, to be honest I haven’t been to my favorite forum and second home for a few days. Currently I am at a standstill in moneymaking with surfs at the moment. My current situation is due to GoldnDays site being hit by a number of issues. He is a good bloke even though many will scream scammer. If you have been in this business as long as I have you will realize there are many dark forces looming waiting to launch attacks on programs doomed for success. Enough said…

My best wishes are with you GnD, you deserve more credit than you are getting no doubt.

Time for an update.. so much to talk about :)

I started this year with a slogan. "2008 will be Great". Well, here we are for months into the year and everything looks great. I am not talking about what might be, I am talking about actual profits. The trick is, steady as you go. There is no get rich quick scheme, mind you to make money you have to "risk" money. Sounds like I am double talking now doesn't it To be reasistic you only risk a few dollars you will only earn a few dollars profit, but if you risk a few hundred dollars you will make a few hundred dollars profit to build with or withdraw. Do you see what I mean?

This brings me to my two long term high return paying programs.

14daysHitSurf: The autosurf of the decade!! Yes I know the benchmark was set by 12DailyPro, but 14DHS has the capability of, and will, in my opinion crush the milestone created by 12DP. At the time of writing this, (as it changes daily)
Total of Active members: 1583
Total of Upgrades Purchased: $3861690
Total of Payments made: $3306626.10

This clearly shows the momentum of program. Max daily upgrade is $2500, but 14 upgrades allowed, that is a fair chunck of money in anyones books. The key, I believe to the success of this program is the no waiting for payments. As soon as your upgrade expires - come servertime - paid automatically to your payment processor. How good is that!! The TOS say payment within 24 hours, well 2 hours have been covering it to date. So there is plenty of time to upgrade again and surf. Yes, it is a surf and you must surf 14 sites to earn your 10% on active upgrades daily. But their are multiplans, even a no surf when you want to go away on holidays. The program has been running since late last year. I am kicking myself for just watching this one for a long time. But I have been in here for a good month or so now and making some good profit. 40% after 14 days!! If you haven't had a look at this one, it deserves a look, you might kick yourself also that you didn't. Today I have finally achieved my spread of 14 upgrades.. so now I get paid daily :)

My second long term program.. actually is my biggest money earner. A breath of fresh air in anyone language. But if you want to know about this one you will have to contact me, as it is a private program. My contact details are on Dorky's Blog.. read down!!

So to wrap things up, 2008 is GREAT!! Looking to be my best year ever. I am aiming to achieve great financial support for the man who inspires me to keep going each day. Without this I am sure I would have been pushing up daisey's years ago.

Trev has also asked me to thank all the donators to Ronald McDonald House Charity. We sincerly thank you all, Trev was so excited about the last donation, it gives him a feel of selfworth, which he lacks in his life. He actually looked forward to playing the xbox when he stayed in the House last week on his doctors visit.

Thanks for reading... note: if you read this you must have read at least some of my dribble.. LOL

Charity Donation News...

You may or may not be aware that a HYIP admin donated $1500 to RMH Charity. Those fund technically belong to the members. However I don’t think refunds were an option.

I have thought long and hard about what to do. I asked many MMG members what they think I should do. Plus I returned to the thread often to see the reaction. Took me a couple of days and hours of thinking, but the donation was given in faith that I donate the funds to RMH. So be it. The money is currently in the hands of the exchangers. The donation will be made. Of course I will post the receipt on my donations blog as soon as I can after the donation is made.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank those members who all contributed to this balance. So when posted I will note the members as being the donators. I hope this sits well with you guys, as honestly, I was the meat in the sandwich here. None of this was of my own doing. However, I do appreciate your support, past, present and future.

If you wish to see what the donations have been used for.. Look here… you guys even got to be on the plaque.

I would appreciate for you all to have a look. I am very happy about our achievement.

More daily dribble

Trev did go to court yesterday... seems a barrister has taken over his case and he didn't know about it. Results: On Monday the court will be partitioned to send his case to the District Court instead of the Supreme Court. If successful his committal hearing will be at the end of January next year. So in the meantime he is still on the loose, running a muck and unemployed. A reciepe for disaster.

I am still deciding what to do with the $500 I have earnt and bought home. Maybe I should just put it in the bucket with the large hole in the bottom... Trev's mum still has to pay the bills. She has extensions on extensions with payments. It is so sad to see, but she struggles on, works hard and is always there for Trev if he needs her. But he has pushed everyone away and only comes back when he wants something. I only just found out that she hasn't been buying food for weeks now. Doesn't cook meals, as nobody turns up to eat it. It is a terribly disfunctional household. She washes, irons and generally cleans up. Works late into the night, for no extra pay, just because she can't handle coming home. There is always arguments and or silence. But as a mother she is trying desperately to keep her family together. I admire her for that, but it is nearly at snapping point. She asked me, what should she do? Boy!! that was a tough question. I really don't know. Everything I suggested, she has already tried. I suggested that she go away for awhile and visit some friends or something, but that is when I found out how chronically broke she is. She is talking about signing her portion of their home over to her husband, but he wants her to pay the stamp duty and legal fees. She can't afford to do that. So she is stuck in this situation of paying all the bills on their house. I am not sure what benefit it would be for her to sign over the house though, unless she is moving out. I didn't go there in our conversation.

I would love to help, but I can't as I also have money problems.. well not really as I don't have any. LOL You know I often wished I had a crystal ball... but I am glad I don't.. As I might not like what I see. mmmm

Any suggestions as to what my friend could do would be appreciated...
(I really don't expect any answers as I am the only one who writes my dribble here, as this is my way of talking to myself.. the day I start answering myself, well, then I am in trouble)

I wonder what today will bring

There has been no positive change in my off line life... LOL Sounds as though I have two lives. But believe me they are one and the same.

I am tentatively waiting for the outcome of today concerning my surrogate family. Trev is due in court, no legal representation and still not doing the right thing. He has not been seen much by his family, and I haven't seen him at all. Too busy trying to fit whatever he has into his life I guess. I wonder if he will go to court. Today is a very worrying time for all those concerned. His mother is saying that she gives up. Hitting all the brick walls it would be tempting, but I know deep down she would never do that. All of this stress is showing in her physical appearance, she is looking thin and ragged. But I don't mention these things as she is only focused on one thing. I was going to say that I would be back here hopefully posting some good news. But either way how today turns out, there won't be any good news. Trev is OK physically from what I can find out, but not looking after himself or managing his medical condition. He has just blocked out his past, and is just living like any other kid. Well not really, the diesese lurks and when you least expect it, it can resurface but by then it is too late.

I got an email from his mum last night, and she told me that she paid the restitution for the replacement of the starter thing he stole. Apparently he stripped it for the copperwire therefore breaking it. I was horrified to find out it cost $5950. Knowing that she didn't have the money for that she explained that she borrowed, yet again, from the bank. Like an overdraft on her bank account. The prospects of Christmas are not good for this family, but as she said, they will manage.

I have received $500, well a bit less due to fees, but that was my payment from P2P that I had been sweating on to give some Christmas cheer to this family. Now I don't know what to do. The best thing I think is to wait and see what happens after today.

I am not online much lately, due to I have chosen a lite pack with my ISP as it is much cheaper, and I dare not go over my limit.

Good news though: All of my programs I am in are doing well.
SurfMargin BusinessProfitPro P2P Tramael and of course where would I be without the Doublers.. as usual all my links are on Dorky's Blog page.

Enjoy your day.

You know you get to a stage in your life that you start to wonder what is around the corner. Well to be honest, I am past that. Everytime I wake up either from a cat nap or a longer sleep, I wonder what will happen next. I used to look forward to things in life, but no I am sort of “lost in the wilderness” so to speak. I can’t see an end to the tunnel I am walking. I have lost all enthusiasm I had. Why is that? Is it because I am past my used by date. Probably.

I didn’t do much today except farewell a friend. Well he was a mate. He has disappeared from contact. Last contact I had he was very ill. But now the months have rolled on and no word. His absence has been eating at me, the not knowing. But I have to put this to rest, as I feel it is affecting my health. I haven’t had a drink in such a long time. (Linda, if you ever bother to read this, you won.. I gave up the drink) Seems to me that he must of left this world, but no one has told me. The not knowing is worse, I doubt that his wife will ever contact me now, concerning his being. You can’t just move on from a mate, they will always be part of your life. I am not a religious person, but he will always remain in my thoughts.

As I sit here and talk to myself, I am looking over a dry dusty valley. Recent rain hasn’t done much good. The ground is so hard from being so dry the rain ran off as quick as it came. I am looking down my track that leads to the road. Not ever well used, but seemingly use less lately. I am ever hopeful of seeing young Trev. I email his Mum most days, she usually replies but there is no good news. Well no bad news either. Trev is still not taking his medication, or helping himself. Seems to go home some days during the day and others not seen at all. What can an old fool like me do if he visits me anyway. He and I are not the biggest of talkers. But we can share a log and watch life go by. He is supposed to go to court again next week, but his mum has the impression that he won’t go. I am thinking maybe it is a good thing if he dosen’t go, as then they will surely arrest him and maybe they will forcefully get him help. But then I think that is a stupid idea. They will probably arrest him and just rough him up and throw him in jail and forget about him, but his depression will get deeper and deeper until …. I won’t go there… I just wished I had a magic wand to fix things. I had hoped that Christmas this year would be good as it may be my last. But it is only a couple of weeks away and looking doomier every day.

I have been troubled lately

I have been troubled lately. I can’t see to get into anything, frustrated by the situation I find myself in. I was so excited to get the donation dollars together and give to Trev to take to Brisbane with him last week. I haven’t seen Trev for awhile now, but I gave it to his mum and she said she would give it to him when they get there. The donation was made, I have altered the donation banner to reflect the new total. As of yet I have not been able to get the receipt scanned, due to Trev’s mum hasn’t been able to go to work to do it. (I promise I will post it as soon as able, one way or another)

Things aren’t going very well with Trevor. His mum is devasted, she is such a strong woman, and to see here like this means things are really bad. I checked Trev’s blog, and he hasn’t posted for awhile and quite frankly his last post wasn’t very positive. I have spent the morning with his Mum, she came to visit as I think she needed someone to talk to.

Trevor seems to be on a road of self destruction. Emotionally, mentally and medically. It started apparently about three weeks ago, he was detained by police and bought home to his parents where they questioned him. He was caught on a construction site in a nearby town stealing copper wire from a big bin. He admitted that he had no permission to be there and also to taking the wire, and apparently there was also a starter motor and a power board taken. He gave them the powerboard (after they described what it looked like, as he didn’t know what it was) they then took him to the police station and charged him with trespassing, stealing and in possession of tainted goods. The police told him the powerboard was worth $6000 and he would have to pay restitution. On further questioned they implied that he also stole $8000 worth of power tools from a nearby building site, he has denied doing this… so the figure of $14000 was the restitution for this. He has to appear in court sometime later this month. He ripped up the paper when he got home and said he wouldn’t be going to court, he would be dead by then. He apparently said to his mum that he didn’t realize that taking out of waste bins was stealing, they were going to throw it away anyway. But as us older people know, stealing is stealing. (My heart goes out to him.. really … I feel frustrated like his Mum.. the police just want a conviction, to clear their caseload. I guess you can’t blame them for that… but I don’t think they care about the boy…. He is very special, to me he is anyway, and his family of course)

To make things worse, on the Sunday he went 4 wheel driving with his girlfriend. They got home and had lunch and his spirits seemed to have picked up and he was moving on with things. Then the police turned up. More trouble. Apparently he threw coins out of the window of his car at a pushbike rider.. who reported the incident to police stating that he threw nails at him. Trevor was again questioned, he admitted throwing the five cent coins at a bikerider about an hour before. Reason, well no reason, just thought it was fun. (Kids today and yesterday, don’t think. But no excuse, they know better) Luckily the fellow on the pushbike was a teacher and he didn’t want to press charges, but wanted the police to give the young fella a talking too. I just so happened to be the same policeman who arrested Trev two days before. He was pretty annoyed at his stepping out of line. He fined Trev $200 for not being in control of his vehicle. He went to his room and wouldn’t talk to anyone..

Monday came, he went to work..so his Mum and Dad thought. Trevor wasn’t coming home at night, but his mum noted that he was coming home during the day by the mess in his room and clothes scattered everywhere. In reflection he was avoiding any family contact. By the end of the week his Mum found out that he wasn’t going to work and he had just walked out. All this time he has had no medication. Depression was sinking to lower levels.

The following week his mum tried desperately to get him some help. She contacted his phycoligist, he said he couldn’t help him unless he contacted him. She explained that he wouldn’t contact anyone as he had cut himself off from anyone who could help him. She was hopeing that he could make the first move and call him or something. Apparently he did call Trevor a number of times, but he wouldn’t pick up. The same has happened with the Apprenticship Board. They rang his mother as well, but she explained what was happening… the reply was if he intended to return to work he would have to supply a doctors certificate for the whole time he was off and then they would reconsider, but once the 30 days elapse the contract is cancelled. (I get rather upset thinking that all these people are putting more pressure on his mum. I can do nothing to help, I feel so helpless)

He did decide he was going down to Brisbane to see his doctors and go into hospital to have a test done where they look down this throat with a camera all the way down to his upper bowel. He is really skinny these days, but only yesterday I learnt that when they got to Brisbane he went for his appointment to see his doctor and he walked out. His mum got to speak with the doctor asking for help with him as he is extremely depressed. His doctor said there was nothing he could do, he had to come to them. His mum is so frustrated with watching her son slip away through the system. Trev has made the decision that he won’t be returning to Brisbane to see any doctors, he is not going to take anymore medicines or have any more pain inflicted on him by any tests. His mother is under the impression that his doctors don’t even know this. But she took him to the gastro reception for him to cancel his procedure as it isn’t right that he not just turn up, as there would be many more waiting on the list to have these things done. They asked him why he didn’t want to go ahead with the procedure as he was listed as a category 1 (urgent) and the receptionist told him doctors don’t do that for nothing.. but Trev told her that he was better now and didn’t need it.

As a last ditch effort his mum got him an appointment for his Brisbane Phyciatrist. She saw him and seems nothing has changed…. He walked back to their room and kept threatening to get his own way home.. all he wanted was to get out of there. His mum got the flights changed and came home, and as she said, what else could she do. He is a country boy and he has no money and in a big city who knows what would happen to him.

She drove him home from the airport. He went inside got changed, grabbed his car keys and drove away. That was on Thursday.. it is now Saturday lunch time as I am writing this. He hasn’t surfaced yet.. He has a mobile phone and his mum has rang it a few times, but he dosen’t answer.

How do you help someone that dosen’t think they need help? That is the question his mum has been asking everyone. Trevor needs legal help, he needs phycological help, and eventually he will need medical help. His mum blames herself for all of this happening. She says she was always doing everything for him, his medications, his doctors appointments, travel arrangements… maybe if he hadn’t relied on her so much he may realize what he is doing. See now that he is 17, his mother has no authority over his medical, legal or anything. So what she was doing before for him, he has to do himself. But he just sticks his head in the sand and is hopeing it will all go away. From my experiences in life, that won’t happen. You have to stand and fight for yourself… I can see why is mum is so fearful of the outcome. But Trevor himself has repeatedly in the past told his mum he would have been better off dying. I remember on his blog he actually said that when he came home. I don’t want to think that way. Dam it, the kid has beaten all the odds, why can’t he get that into his thick skull that all he needs to do is ask for help from those who can help him, realizing that now that he is an adult, he must do the asking..

My thoughts are with Trevor and his mum, as well as his family. Seems they have all had a beating.. the family as a unit does not exist any more. His father has removed himself from the scene hopeing that he might come home if he is not there. They clash as a man to man thing. He is so frustrated with the whole situation.

My thoughts..

We are NOT going anywhere & are MOST DEFINITELY here for many years to come ..... REGARDLESS what obstacles might come our way!

How many times have we all seen this quote? For me too many times to remember quite frankly. But I usually think to myself, yeah yeah! Maybe I trust too many people. Yes, I think that is the problem. I am going to tell the real home truths… no one else will read this so it will just be a good record for me to remember how things were, incase I get tempted to be suckered in again.

Where I started in this game… back when I was introduced to a computer. This friend was in a program called StudioTraffic, she even showed me her cheques, they were for quite a few months for $200 and $300 US dollars.. wow I was stunned. She showed me what she had to do each day to earn… my introduction to AutoSurfing. She lent me $10 and upgraded my account and I was off surfing.. I was given an old computer that was outdated from her work, borrowed modem, and next thing I was set up and spent each evening “surfing”. A whole 100 sites. I thought I was made watching those cents add up to dollars, and at the end of the month…decisions decisions. Finally after months, I got my own cheque.. from memory it was $19.86 !!! US dollars of course. I was over the moon. Banked it, they charged me $5. because it was an international cheque, plus I had to wait 30 days before it was “cleared funds” . My friend suggest I join some other programs so I she started me with PayPal, her account again. Than I started getting around the traps a bit on my own. I managed to run into an Aussie fellow, David Cannard. He had a great website explaining lots of things about the internet and autosurfs. Back in those days may autosurfers where in 50 programs or more. There were programs where you could do your autosurfing all at the same time. I truly was amazed. I became hooked on my computer.

A bit about me:

You see, I am a person who lives alone. I have done for many years now, in reflection for over 40 years. I worked many jobs over the years. I spent many years in the outback mining. Eventually my claims were bought by a multinational company. Mt Isa Mines.. MIM on the stockmarket. They get you over a barrel and you virtually have to sell to them at your price. That’s another story, but I then worked underground in their mines for many years. I managed to pay for my kids education in boarding schools back on the coast. After boarding school, none returned home, they all liked the city life. They have had their ups and downs as every family has, but the three of them have all managed to land on their feet. Today they are all married and have grandchildren of their own. I don’t see them much, and when I do, I get suspicious… they are up to something. I moved to Central Queensland, found a nice plot of land, bought a caravan and made it home. This area was as good a place as any and a chance to find an easier job, I have done station work, both cattle and sheep, truck driving, even worked on a prawn trawler in the gulf. I got a start with a bitumen company, shovel work. Great bunch of fellows though, I enjoyed my time there but the old body was giving in. I ended up being a storeman at the TAFE college. I found I could really interact with the kids, teenagers. I nearly got to retirement age, but I got to a stage that my hearing affected my ability to use the phone in my job, so I retired slightly early. I had some money in the bank and I was given an age pension. I found that by not having to go to work I could actually live on the pension quite well. I played bowls and went to dances, weekend barbeques.. life was great. But after years of doing the same thing I fell into a rut. No reason to get out of bed in the morning, not having visitors to worry about what the place looked like. This is where my friend with the computer comes into my life.

I have known this family for a long time, when I was working for the bitumen firm I was invited to their place as I had no where to go for Christmas, ever since then they have become my family, that was over 20 years ago. We used to get together for any excuse, just even being Friday was a good one! A few beers and a good yarn. But when they started having their family, I distanced myself a bit and didn’t see them as often. But I loved it when she bought the boys to come and see me. Made me realize how much I had missed my own kids growing up. As the boys were growing up they seemed to look to me like a Grandfather… LOL I guess I looked old enough.. Even though I have industrial deafness, the boys learnt that if they got my attention and spoke clearly I could understand them and talk with them. We still do the same today.

So the internet became a hobby that was earning me some real dollars. I got broadband connected, at least I had a use for my phone, and this saved money, no dialup calls. I started putting money away and I also investing in other programs. Along came 12DP… of course I jumped on board with a test spend $12.. the site had problems and went off the air, but kept saying by email they would be back. Out of the blue I was paid what I was owed even though the site didn’t exist… two months later, I think it was… the new 12DP was launched… well the rest is history.. I built up quite nicely but invested in other sites, DadnDaves, off shore private programs, arbitrage trading.. (just writing this make me think, if those three sites paid me what I was owed before their demise, I would be rich)

But in my thinking, whether it be right or wrong, the only way to make money was spend money. So I did just that, some paid off, others I lost. But over the years I was refining my tactics, some I started hanging around forums. Not really sure how they worked, and I never joined them, just watched from the outside. I leant a forum thread with many pages was either a great program or one in trouble.

Eventually curiosity got the better of me, I needed to know more. So I joined a couple of forums. Didn’t post though as I didn’t know how. After all the 12DP fiasco, I was totally deflated, joined many “hopefull programs” and for some reason I always chose the ones that never paid. LOL. I truly have supported many admins in my day. Compact surfing, it think it was called was big, I was making good money, then young Trev and his family ended up in Brisbane with Trev fighting for his life. I felt so useless, there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t contact them I was only told what was happening through his brother in the beginning, then he didn’t come by for a couple of weeks, I had called into their house many times and no one was there. But on day I ran into Trev’s dad, he had come back for a couple of days just to make sure Trev’s dog was OK and to feed the fish.. I thought that was strange at the time, but Trev was in so much trouble his Dad just wasn’t copeing. Trev’s mum apparently never left his side, she even slept in a chair in ICU and HDU for a couple of months. I admire her for that, my wife abandoned our children… I never forgave her for that..

Eventually Trev returned home on his brothers 17th birthday, 30th June. When I saw him and his mother, I was overcome with emotion (yep.. I cried) fancy an old fella like me doing that. Trev was so different, to look at and his emotions. He could hardly walk, was scares on his head, a bag hanging of his belly, and more horrible scars from his waste down to his knees. Not the boy I had known before. Frustrated and beaten are words that comes to me. This hit me like a brick. Made me think of my selfish lifestyle. What have I ever done to help anyone… nothing. My mind was racing what could I do. That is when 12by12daily hit the boards, I got the email, joined straight away and upgraded.. I was in the 1000’s member number. I joined MMG and bit the bullet and started posting. I never ever had referrals in any other program, so I did what others did, offered a 50% commission rebate and I promised to donate the other 50%... I have always kept promises to best of my ability, in my Charity Donations I even added extra monies and covered the exchange costs. The money that I earnt for myself, I put most back but kept enough to buy things that Trevor needed, well I spoilt him a bit, but I did keep things even with his brother, he has been affected by this more than others know. But Trev’s mum has been my friend and financial advisor forever. I have a close relationship with both his parents.. The financial burden of Trevs hospitalization, travel, accommodation, medications is herendous. No income for months, and leading into Trev going to Brisbane when he got critical, his Dad had been looking after him for three months before that while his Mum still worked. They sold their car in the first few months, but ended up having to borrow money just to cover his medications. They are paying medical bills on installments. I have been fortunate enough to help with some of these expenses, not much, but a few months back I was making $1500 a month, Trev was sneaking the credit card bill from the post box and I was paying it… I only kept enough for a steak and a couple of beers for myself, plus my internet fees.
But all the earning has now stopped.

I made a couple of bad decisions in “real programs” not autosurfs. I put the only money I had in the real world in a guaranteed program. I needed more than I had to pay a totally unexpected bill. So, I thought I have my original investment back within three weeks, then the extra I earned I was going to withdraw what I needed to pay the bill, and play with the rest for a great Christmas. Great plan, be it went pear-shaped. I totally blame myself, it was my mistake. I haven’t been doing so well in autosurfing either. A definite shortage of good programs. This has lead me to make the decision to withdraw from the industry. I won’t be hypocritical and keep going when I have no serious money in any site. I only promoted sites that I had a vested interest in, and if somebody wanted to join my link I donated the commission. I believe in honesty, and have always done my utmost to be honest.

I really don’t know how I am going to deal with my personal dilemma. I am faced with a huge land tax bill, due to my land being valued extremely high by the Government. It is either I pay the bill or sell out to developers just itching to get their hands on my property. My dream has been and will remain to die here. My land and my shed are mine, and I am not going anywhere. I have sought legal advice, it is either pay up or sell up. So I have opted to pay. I can pay it off as long as it is paid out by 30th June next year.. Then in September next year I get another bill for the same amount or even more. They did tell me they are never for less, but can be the same. I am not worried about next years bill, I probably won’t live that long. But I have to make some sacrifices. I will only use the generator when I need too. I think I have internet until the end of December, I will have to check that.. I do get some free wireless connection when the weather is right from a quarry down in the valley. I will let the registration run out on my car, I don’t have a license anyway.. and the old car isn’t worth anything, probably $50 at the wreckers.. cost me more to get it there. I really don’t need much to live on.

The only thing that really makes me sad is Christmas… I had mentioned to Trev and his family that we would be having a great Christmas this year.. his family know about my predicament, but I think it would be devastating for Trev to find out. He sort of confides in me, and I don’t have the heart to tell him that, in fact I am just an old fool.

Mate! You knocked my socks off...

Last night I received an email which in reflection, deep down I knew was coming. Sometimes when you correspond with internet friends, you can just tell.... I don't know what it is, but you can feel that they are just not their normal self. Especially when you have known each other for awhile.

My friend, my mate,if I can be so bold, fitted that catagory. He knew things weren't right within himself. Most people who are ill usually know when things aren't quite right. That is when they usually take themselves off to a doctor. Unless they are a stubborn old fool like me!!!

As you know,I am not a praying person, my choice, but my thoughts are with ya mate! Hopefully you can build on positive thoughts from around the world as well as within your family. There are many people, real people out there that consider you their friend. Take care, get well soon. Damit! Beat this thing, I know you are a tough old coot, and this won't keep you down. Just take your time and do it right... OK ? Steady does it. Don't worry about us, it is time to look after yourself.


Footnote: I can write what I want here... it is my blog.. I am just thinking out loud.

Busy weekend!!

I have been busy outside of my internet life these last three days. Usually I jump around the forums to see what is happening here and there, but as I sit here and write this I am totally exhausted. Later today I am sure I will crawl back into bed and catch up on some sleep.

What have I been doing? Well my suggorate family had a member celebrated his 18th birthday. A huge achievement for this family to have one of their sons turn 18. Yes Trev's brother is now 18, I can't believe it. He wanted a big party, so his parents and I were heavily involved in putting it on. They had it on their small acerage new town, so Friday we started with preparations. Marquees, party hire equipment, fire wood as it is winter here, and cold even for our standards. There was food pickups, chairs, you name it. About 60 family invited guests and who knows how many of Had and Trevs friends... it turned out to be hundreds. A lot of work, but a lot of fun. Everything went off well.

His birthday was on Saturday 30th and that was when they held the party. I enjoyed watching the young people turn up, and enjoy a great night of dancing and celebrating the event. I even ventured into the small hours of the morning catching up we people. I have a sore throat from too much talking, which is unlike me as I really don't have anyone to talk to most days.

The large gathering of young folks ended at midnight as requested. The loud music promptly stopped, of course they wanted more, but the neighbours had been told that it would stop at midnight and their wishes were respected. The young then had maxi taxis and designated drivers take them back to town to the night clubs. There were no fights and no injuries reported, so Trev's Mum and Dad we really happy how the party went. Of course they were always concerned that things would get out of hand as they sometimes do. But it seems that the boys have some great friends. I have met a few of them at times, and nice lads they are.

The photograph is Trev (second from the left) with his father, brother (Birthday Boy) and his mother. Even though it was an informal dress occassion, the boys decided to dress up in suits. They looked great, don't you think?

The clean up is the hardest, but yesterday we got most of it done. That's why I am so tired even though I went to bed early. Everyone is back to work today and I got home last night. So today I will be catching up on some sleep... but I enjoyed being a part of their lives and achievements.

What on earth am I doing up this late!

Truth is, I can't sleep. I got some terrible news about two hours ago.. my young mate Trevor was due home from his consultants appointments in Brisbane tonight. But he is not coming home as planned. On seeing his doctor this afternoon, apparently is was quite well, but those lingering headaches and vomiting days he has periodically are of concern considering his medical situation. So apparently he was having CT scans and a lumber punch when he should have been flying home. His mother, whom I am a close friend let his father know that they wouldn't be coming home tonight as expected. The flights were booked, they were only an hour away from flying home when the nero surgeon decided that it should be looked at. So currently Trev is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital pending an angiogram either tonight or tomorrow... I am just so worried... I will be watching for him tomorrow on MSN if I can get mine working again. That way I will know he is OK. I only get the information third hand. Unless he emails me. I don't know if he has internet connection though.. Well I checked his blog But so far no update since the 14th!!

I am very concerned, I can only imagine how his mum is. His whole family is very fragile these days.